Neither here nor there.

 

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This is the time of winter doldrums, when I would settle for any kind of warm. Unless you are a fan of winter sports, two feet of snow with more arriving daily is the time of “I have had it, get me out of here.”  As a woman of a certain age, shoveling is risky (heart), ice is trecherous (bad back and knee) and anything more than a gentle breeze is likely to knock me over.  The only kind of “activity” that seems safe is going into mental hibernation.

I am going into my cave to ponder what the word lukewarm has conjured up. It pretty much describes my approach to life, passive about what I don’t like, never angry, just not enthused.  It’s easy to stake out the middle ground all the time because nobody will get upset.  My mother’s voice: “It doesn’t do any good to get angry. Make peace.  Let him be the boss.”  I know this was the message she was given about a woman’s place, and she dutifully passed it on, not just in words, but in example. Eventually she began to see the futility of this position and once wrote me a letter apologizing.  She did not say so, because she was kind to a fault, but it was obvious that it had not served her well either.

There have been many times when frustration took over and my mouth has replaced my brain as the driver of the bus.  Those were not my proudest moments by a long shot and my family would assure me that as wife and mother I am the center that holds everyone else together. Okay, I know that I am the one who [is supposed to] knows where everything is kept, filed, scheduled and what the heck is in the back of the refrigerator.  I also know where you left your glasses/hat/I-phone and the remote control, but sorry, not your mind.

Living in the middle seems easy, but is ironically also difficult.  Because it is really nowhere.  It is not the same as being moderate or attempting to negotiate middle ground so that opposing positions can find a suitable compromise.  In the end, it never provides contentment or satisfaction at a job well done, because absolutely nothing has been done.

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I’m tired of being lukewarm.  I’m not sure where the hot water faucet is now if I ever knew, but am determined to find it.  It’s likely to be rusty, but so am I.  We’ll make a good team.

 

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