Things I Want to Know – Definitions

 

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This is a companion piece to a recent post that poked fun at some of the things that drive me crazy about the loved ones with whom I share daily life.

I am back on the soapbox I have constructed over 30 years of being wife, mother and woman of the house. It may be technically impossible, but I have managed to create a soapbox with only one side.  That side would be MINE!

So, my dear ones, when you say the following, I think you must have a native language I do not know about. Either that or you revised the English dictionary and forgot to get me a copy for my birthday.

“A few minutes….”  This usually appears in a request such as “Can you come out to the garage and help me for a few minutes?” What I need to know is this. Should I just put on my boots and come out to the garage? Should I go the bathroom, put on my boots, and come out to the garage? Or, should I review my will, call the kids to tell them I love them, pack a small suitcase, go to the bathroom, put on my boots, and come out to the garage?

“On your way home….”  This is a phrase that proves your general understanding of directions and the roads that go between home, work, and the farm store is not up to GPS standards. It is a hard concept to construct in words.  Perhaps this map will help clarify.

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If you call me at work and ask if I would be willing to go to the farm store before I come home, you would probably get an affirmative answer. Admittedly it might include loud sighing or a snarky tone indicating that you have no idea how tired I am after a hard day at work.  Still, it’s likely that I would be willing to do it.  But when you start with “On your way home……,” I get an uneasy feeling that you’re trying to sweet talk me and hoping I don’t realize that the farm store is not, on any map of this universe, on my way home!

“Temporary…”  This is a word that can be applied to any length of time.  It means something different depending on the context. Life is temporary, for sure, but its span is hopefully a long one. Seasons are temporary, their length and character determined by where on the earth they are being marked.  When a doctor says the medical procedure she is about to do will cause temporary pain, well, we all know what that means!

I accept that the word temporary doesn’t need to be specified in most cases. I am fairly flexible in that regard.  But when you pile dirty rags, smelly solvents, and greasy tools on the kitchen counter and tell me it’s just temporary, I need a number!

 

 

©Martha Hurwitz, 9/16/17

Things I Want You to Know

puzzle-210786_640As much as I love you, my dear family members, here are some things I want you to know. You have possibly not heard them before because……

I am too polite.
I was raised to be accommodating.
It’s my job to make everybody happy.
You weren’t listening anyway.
It’s just easier to do it myself!

However, please memorize the following:

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I am not a GPS system designed to locate your iPhone, glasses, the television remote, or whatever else you may have misplaced in the last 10 minutes.

 

I’m not sure what you can eat for lunch.  I presume food, but what do I know?

Dishes normally do not fill the sink with soapy water, jump in and wash themselves.

trash-313711_640My name is not “somebody,” as in “Somebody needs to take out the garbage.”

It is not my responsibility to identify the takeout you saved in the refrigerator, that now smells like the back end of a mule.  It really isn’t my responsibility to take it out of the refrigerator and get rid of it, either.  I just do it because if I don’t there will soon be a whole pack of mules back there.

I am sure our marriage vows did not include never letting you forget anything important, because if they had, I would have forgotten to agree to it.

I do not know why “my” son or daughter do stupid things, but “our” children are so amazing!

It is really not okay to wipe up the kitchen floor with the dish sponge.

Even though my pocketbook is large, it is not my responsibility to carry things.  All of you are strong enough to carry your own stuff.  (I would have used another word beginning with “s,” but this is a G-rated post.)  If you don’t want to carry it, you don’t really want it!

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I do appreciate you all doing your own laundry, but probably I did not sufficiently explain a few related concepts:

Putting dirty clothes in the washing machine implies that you are going to wash them. It is not your personal clothes hamper. When the dryer has finished, the clothes actually need to be folded and put away because a laundry basket on the bathroom floor is not your bureau either.

I’m sorry to say, but the upset stomach you have as a result of eating a half dozen cookies, a pint of ice cream and half a bag of potato chips is not the same as labor pains, kidney stones or a ruptured disc!book-912723_640

I swear that I fully support a person’s right to privacy, and since you are all over 21 not everything you do is my business.  But when you leave your bills, bank statements, love letters or iPhone open to Facebook on the kitchen counter, all bets are off.

My friends in the blogging community probably have many more ideas to contribute. If so, I would love to hear them.

 

©Martha Hurwitz, 8/31/17