יוֹצֵ֥ר אוֹר֙ וּבוֹרֵ֣א חֹ֔שֶׁךְ עֹשֶׂ֥ה שָׁל֖וֹם וּב֣וֹרֵא רָ֑ע אֲנִ֥י יְהֹוָ֖ה עֹשֶׂ֥ה כׇל־אֵֽלֶּה׃ {פ}
… forming light and creating darkness
making peace and creating evil-
I, YHVH, do all these. Isaiah 45:7

Before I share one of my new poems, I want to give a short back story. Over the past six months or so I have been struggling with many spiritual questions. While this is not the first time in my life I’ve gone through such an experience, this time has been deeper and much more intense than ever before. It would not be an exaggeration to name this a spiritual existential crisis.

As one way to process my intense feelings I have continued to write poems/prayers, but many of them are much “darker,” more argumentative and angry than most of my previous work. I have hesitated to publish or share them with even my closest friends. I didn’t want to spoil my image as a mostly optimistic, happy person. I’ve decided that honestly describing and sharing my feelings throughout this struggle not only helps me, but might also speak to someone else. However, I do want anyone who might be concerned about me because of what is expressed in these poems/prayers to know that I am really okay. This period of my life has also been filled with intense love and happiness; perhaps it is that love that has given me the safety to go into my darker places.

On the Altar
Been tied up on this altar
been lying here so long,
there is no hope or purpose
in chanting ancient songs.

Burning up like incense
bleeding endless grief
trembling in the howling wind
like a dying autumn leaf.

Thought I heard you calling
might finally see your face,
bought the gaslit liturgy
that binds me in this place.

When you finally raise the bloody knife
that glistens in your hand
tell me what I’m dying for
if there is no promised land.

©2023marthahurwitz