Let me begin by admitting that I am very uncomfortable with randomness, overly invested in the idea that life should be fair, and want desperately a rational explanation for things that I know full well have no rational explanation.
For a long time, I have been struggling with how to reconcile the existence of pain and suffering with the idea that living joyfully is possible even so. This dilemma has probably been around since humans first gained any sense about how life/the universe/fate works (or doesn’t work depending on your personal experience and assumptions about what “should be”).
I suspect that I will waver back and forth between these two perspectives for the rest of my life, and struggle with the dissonance caused by this dilemma. These are two of my recent attempts to describe my experience of this ancient conundrum.
Pain & Suffering
My fingers are sliced from hanging
tight to the fraying threads
connecting this fragile path
from birth to death, the howling winds
shake the bridge to which I
fearfully cling.
Standing too far from Ground Zero
to experience the peace of
instant annihilation
too close to be spared from
searing flesh, melting and dripping
from fragile bone,
crying out for meaning, for reason,
any reason, weak or powerful,
to explain this random chaos,
the impossible choices,
who will live, who will die,
when, and how will this be done?
Betroth Yourself to Joy
Betroth yourself to joy,
for sorrow cares not at all for you
except when you are a morsel at the
banquet of suffering.
Sorrow will court you with promises
of pleasure made greater by pain,
redemption clothed in bloody bandages
and ecstasy fueled by humiliation.
Open the door for joy, who enters
like the Sabbath Bridegroom,
crowned with stars and robed in light,
bearing gifts of rest and words of love.
When the tongue of sorrow swells
with bitterness, when he demands
an endless encore for his starring role,
pay no heed and he will soon depart
for he is cowardly and weak and
songs of joy will banish him forever.
(c)marthahurwitz2024
Wrestling with Angels 